Drink Beer Tycoon · casting · season one
Men Roles
What this is. I'm making a small game called Drink Beer Tycoon. You play a guy whose wife left, who gets a job as a beer taste tester, and who has a television. The television is the point of this packet: it has three real channels with thirty-five episodes and fourteen commercials written for them, and it plays in the background the whole game, the way the TV does in GTA. None of it has a plot you have to follow. Every episode is its own forty seconds.
What I need. Voices. Below are the 21 parts I'd cast a man in — 8 of them are written open, meaning the part isn't gendered and I'd just like whoever sounds right, so they're in both packets. Read the ones you like, send me an audition, take as many as you want. There's no deadline; I'd rather have the right voice than a fast one.
The women's roles are in a separate packet; ask me for it if you want to read both.
How to audition
Record the audition line from any part you want. Two or three takes in a row in the same file is perfect — different reads, not the same read three times. If you want to show me more, add any other line that part says.
- Format
- WAV or MP3, mono, 44.1 or 48 kHz. Any decent USB mic in a closet or under a blanket is fine.
- Nothing on it
- No noise reduction, no compression, no reverb, no music. I add the phone filter, the wind, the helicopter and the room. Leave two seconds of silence at the top so I have your room tone.
- Name the file
- YOURNAME_CHARACTER.wav. That's it for the audition; if you get the part I'll send a naming scheme for the real session.
- Parentheticals
- Anything in brackets is a note to you, not a line to read. "(a pause)" is a real pause — hold it a full second.
Send them to me on Discord. If you'd rather not audition and just want a part, tell me which one and why; that works too.
The deal, honestly
This is a $2.99 game made by one guy with no marketing budget. I'm not going to pretend it's a payday. Here's the whole arrangement in plain words.
- The cast pool
- 10% of everything the game actually pays me — after Steam's 30%, regional pricing, sales tax and refunds — goes into a pool for the cast, for as long as the game sells. Base game and any add-on that uses your lines.
- How it splits
- By lines that ship. Every recorded line that ends up in the game is one point; your share of the pool is your points over everyone's. Bigger parts earn more because they say more, not because of a title.
- When it pays
- Every quarter Steam pays out, by PayPal or Venmo, once your balance passes $20, with a statement showing the split.
- What you get either way
- A Steam key, your name in the credits and in the show's own credits, the clips to use on your reel, and no obligation to do anything after you deliver.
- Paperwork
- A one-page letter signed by both of us: I can use your recordings in this game, its updates, trailers and store page; here's the share and how it pays; you can use the clips on your reel; you're credited as agreed. I don't want anyone working off a chat message.
| Copies sold | I actually net | Cast pool | A 40-line part | A 5-line part |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 500 | $875 | $88 | $10 | $1 |
| 2,000 | $3,500 | $350 | $41 | $5 |
| 10,000 | $17,500 | $1,750 | $206 | $26 |
| 50,000 | $87,500 | $8,750 | $1,032 | $129 |
About $1.75 net per copy at $2.99 after Steam and taxes, and 339 shipped lines across the whole cast. Most $2.99 indie games with no marketing sell in the hundreds to low thousands in the first year — the 50,000 row is what a hit looks like, and I'd be lying if I said I expected it. Take the part because the scripts are fun; treat the share as a lottery ticket I'm happy to hand out.
The parts
Blue names are open roles — not written for any particular voice. Line counts are for the whole season.
Late Line
GREG
The rehab counselor who also hosts a 2 a.m. public-access call-in show. Fifties. He drinks tea on air. He has heard everything and judged none of it.
The voiceThe calmest voice alive. Low, slow, warm, close to the mic, like late-night radio for people who can't sleep. Comfortable with long pauses. He means every kind thing he says.
The trapBeing smug or wise-guy. He is not above the callers. He is sitting up with them.
Audition lineYou're on Late Line. Take your time.
Every line for this part (84)
LL-01 THE CANS
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line. Take your time.
LL-01 THE CANS
line 02
line 02
RANDY: (whispering, like he's being overheard) Greg. Greg. Am I on?
You're on, Randy.
LL-01 THE CANS
line 03
line 03
RANDY: Is it normal to name the cans?
What do you call them?
LL-01 THE CANS
line 04
line 04
RANDY: (a pause) Greg.
All of them?
LL-01 THE CANS
line 05
line 05
RANDY: There's a lot of Gregs, Greg.
(gentle) Do the Gregs talk back?
LL-01 THE CANS
line 06
line 06
RANDY: No. That's the thing. They just... they're just there. In the morning. Looking at me.
Randy, that might be the recycling.
LL-01 THE CANS
line 07
line 07
RANDY: (a long pause) Huh.
Good night, Randy.
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line. Take your time.
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 02
line 02
BETH: (matter-of-fact, a smoker's voice) My Roomba leaves the house.
Tell me about that.
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 03
line 03
BETH: It goes out the dog door. Around nine. It's back by eleven.
Where do you think it goes?
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 04
line 04
BETH: I followed it once. It went to the Hendersons'. It did their kitchen.
How did that make you feel?
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 05
line 05
BETH: (a pause) Betrayed, Greg. I bought it.
Have you talked to the Hendersons?
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 06
line 06
BETH: They think it's theirs now. They named it.
What did they name it?
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 07
line 07
BETH: Beth.
(a long, kind silence) Beth, I think it still loves you. I think it just needed more floor.
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line. Take your time.
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 02
line 02
DEREK: (echoey, bubbling, far too relaxed) Greg! Greeeeg. I'm in the tub, man.
I can hear that. What's on your mind, Derek?
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 03
line 03
DEREK: Nothing! That's the problem! I got in at six. It's two. I can't feel my knees and I don't want to.
Have you considered getting out?
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 04
line 04
DEREK: I have considered it, Greg. I have considered it deeply. From in here.
What would it take?
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 05
line 05
DEREK: A reason. Give me one reason.
Derek, your phone is in the water.
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 06
line 06
DEREK: (a pause) It's on speaker, though.
Good night, Derek.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 02
line 02
WALT: (slow, sweet, seventy-something) Greg, it's Walt.
Hi, Walt.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 03
line 03
WALT: So the thing I wanted to say, and this is important, is that back in eighty-one we had a dog named Skipper...
I remember Skipper.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 04
line 04
WALT: ...and Skipper, he wouldn't... well, first you have to understand about the fence.
Take your time, Walt.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 05
line 05
WALT: The fence was Doug's idea. Doug was my brother-in-law. Not the first one. The good one.
Sure.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 06
line 06
WALT: (a pause) What was I saying?
You were going to tell me something important.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 07
line 07
WALT: I was. (a pause) It'll come to me. Good night, Greg.
Good night, Walt. Same time tomorrow.
LL-05 THE TIME
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line.
LL-05 THE TIME
line 02
line 02
PHIL: (urgent, out of breath) Greg. What time is it?
It's about ten past two.
LL-05 THE TIME
line 03
line 03
PHIL: Okay. Okay. Thank you.
(calmly, to the mic) That was Phil. Phil calls every night to ask the time. He has a clock. I've seen it. (a pause) I think he just likes to hear someone say it. (a sip of tea) Next caller.
LL-05 THE TIME
line 04
line 04
PHIL'S WIFE: (flat) Is Phil okay?
Phil's fine.
LL-05 THE TIME
line 05
line 05
PHIL'S WIFE: Okay.
That was Phil's wife. (a pause) You're on Late Line.
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line. Take your time.
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 02
line 02
LORRAINE: (prim, earnest) I married a beer, Greg.
When was this?
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 03
line 03
LORRAINE: June. Small ceremony. His family didn't come.
How's it going?
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 04
line 04
LORRAINE: He's cold, Greg. Emotionally. And also he's in the fridge. Is that normal?
Does he make you happy?
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 05
line 05
LORRAINE: He did. For about twelve ounces.
(gently) Lorraine, is it possible he's gone?
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 06
line 06
LORRAINE: (a pause) He's been quiet.
Sometimes people leave, and the can is still there.
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 07
line 07
LORRAINE: (a sniff) That's beautiful, Greg.
You're going to be okay. Recycle him.
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line.
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 02
line 02
HAL: (furious but polite; a retired principal) There's a sign, Greg. On a house. It says BEER. In lights.
How does it make you feel?
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 03
line 03
HAL: It's pink, Greg. It buzzes. My wife thinks it's Christmas.
Have you spoken to the neighbor?
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 04
line 04
HAL: I waved.
What did he do?
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 05
line 05
HAL: He waved back. With a can. (a pause) I didn't know what to do with that, Greg. I went inside.
Hal, sometimes a wave is all a man has.
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 06
line 06
HAL: (quiet) It's a very nice wave, actually.
There you go.
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 07
line 07
HAL: I still hate the sign.
You're allowed both.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 02
line 02
TYLER: (twenties, nervous, first time calling) Hi. Um. I don't have a problem. I just wanted to say you have a nice voice.
Thank you.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 03
line 03
TYLER: Okay. That's it. Bye.
Wait. What's your name?
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 04
line 04
TYLER: Tyler.
Tyler, why are you up?
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 05
line 05
TYLER: (a long pause) I don't know, Greg.
That's okay. Nobody here knows. That's why the show's at two.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 06
line 06
TYLER: (a small laugh) Yeah.
Get some water. Go to bed. Call me tomorrow and tell me you did.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 07
line 07
TYLER: Okay. (a pause) Thanks, Greg.
(to nobody) He won't call. They never do. (a sip) Next caller.
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line.
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 02
line 02
WALT: Greg, it's Walt. I remembered.
Go ahead, Walt.
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 03
line 03
WALT: Skipper. The dog. He could open the gate. With his nose. Doug said it was the latch, but it wasn't the latch, it was...
Take your time.
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 04
line 04
WALT: ...it was that he wanted to. That's what I wanted to say. He got out because he wanted to, and he came back because he wanted to, and Doug never understood that, and that's why Doug... (a pause) well.
That's a good thing to remember, Walt.
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 05
line 05
WALT: (a pause) There was something else, though.
Tomorrow.
LL-10 THE LIST
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line. Take your time.
LL-10 THE LIST
line 02
line 02
PATTY: (warm, deadpan, unhurried) Greg, I have a list.
Go ahead.
LL-10 THE LIST
line 03
line 03
PATTY: Things my husband has said he'll fix. Since 1998.
How long is the list, Patty?
LL-10 THE LIST
line 04
line 04
PATTY: Thirty-four items. (a pause) The gate. The other gate. The step. The light in the step. The thing under the sink. The sink.
Are you angry?
LL-10 THE LIST
line 05
line 05
PATTY: (genuinely surprised by the question) No. No, I'm impressed. Thirty-four, Greg. That's a career.
Does he know about the list?
LL-10 THE LIST
line 06
line 06
PATTY: He made me the binder.
(a pause) Patty, I think that's love.
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line.
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 02
line 02
SHAWNA: (exhausted, triumphant, on a break) Greg. I beat it.
Beat what?
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 03
line 03
SHAWNA: The machine. Break room. Second floor. Two years, Greg. Two years it's been eating my dollar.
What did you do?
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 04
line 04
SHAWNA: I didn't do anything. That's the beautiful part. I just stood there. And it gave me two.
Two?
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 05
line 05
SHAWNA: Two bags, Greg. It gave me the one I paid for and it gave me one back. (a pause) It apologized.
How did that feel?
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 06
line 06
SHAWNA: (a long pause) I cried a little. It's four in the morning here and I cried at a vending machine.
You've been up a long time.
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 07
line 07
SHAWNA: Yeah.
Eat the chips, Shawna. Both bags. You earned them.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 02
line 02
NADIA: (twenties, careful, a little unsure she should be doing this) Hi. Um. This is going to sound strange.
Most of it does.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 03
line 03
NADIA: My dad listens to you. Every night. He's got the little radio in the garage.
That's nice to hear.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 04
line 04
NADIA: I wanted to ask... has he ever called? (a pause) His name's Ray.
(a long pause) I don't give out who calls, Nadia.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 05
line 05
NADIA: No. Right. Of course.
(gently) But I'd say a lot of people listen for a long time before they call. And some of them never do. And that's all right too.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 06
line 06
NADIA: (quiet) Okay.
Nadia. He's got the radio on. He's hearing this.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 07
line 07
NADIA: (a pause, a small breath) Oh.
Say something to him.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 08
line 08
NADIA: (a long pause) ...Night, Dad.
(after a moment) Good night, Ray.
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 01
line 01
STATION VOICE: Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
You're on Late Line.
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 02
line 02
THE LAST CALLER: (quiet; could be anyone) Greg. Have you ever had a beer?
(a pause) One. In 1994. It was a Tuesday.
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 03
line 03
THE LAST CALLER: How was it?
(a long pause; a sip of tea) It was fine. (a pause) It was just fine. That was the problem.
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 04
line 04
THE LAST CALLER: (a pause) Okay.
That's the show. Drink some water. It's Hollis Ferry, it's two-thirty, and somebody out there is still up. (a pause) I know you are. I'm still up too.
AD-14 PUBLIC SERVICE
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
This is Greg. If you're up, I'm up. Drink some water. Late Line, two a.m., channel zero.
STATION VOICE
Whoever was left in the building. Reads the station ID off a card.
The voiceFlat, bored, fluorescent. No performance at all.
The trapEnthusiasm.
Audition lineHollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
Every line for this part (14)
LL-01 THE CANS
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-05 THE TIME
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-10 THE LIST
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 02
line 02
GREG: That's the show. Drink some water. It's Hollis Ferry, it's two-thirty, and somebody out there is still up. (a pause) I know you are. I'm still up too.
This has been Late Line. Public access thanks the Ferry Street Laundromat for the coffee.
WALT
The regular. Seventies. Calls every night with something important, and it's always about a dog named Skipper and a brother-in-law named Doug.
The voiceSlow, sweet, wandering, with real affection for everyone he mentions. He loses the thread and doesn't mind. Part Two gets the one line he's been trying to say; play it plainly, no swelling.
The trapDoddering old-man voice. He's sharp; he just has a lot of road behind him.
Audition lineHe got out because he wanted to, and he came back because he wanted to.
Every line for this part (11)
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 01
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line.
(slow, sweet, seventy-something) Greg, it's Walt.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 02
line 02
GREG: Hi, Walt.
So the thing I wanted to say, and this is important, is that back in eighty-one we had a dog named Skipper...
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 03
line 03
GREG: I remember Skipper.
...and Skipper, he wouldn't... well, first you have to understand about the fence.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 04
line 04
GREG: Take your time, Walt.
The fence was Doug's idea. Doug was my brother-in-law. Not the first one. The good one.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 05
line 05
GREG: Sure.
(a pause) What was I saying?
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 06
line 06
GREG: You were going to tell me something important.
I was. (a pause) It'll come to me. Good night, Greg.
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 01
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line.
Greg, it's Walt. I remembered.
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 02
line 02
GREG: Go ahead, Walt.
Skipper. The dog. He could open the gate. With his nose. Doug said it was the latch, but it wasn't the latch, it was...
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 03
line 03
GREG: Take your time.
...it was that he wanted to. That's what I wanted to say. He got out because he wanted to, and he came back because he wanted to, and Doug never understood that, and that's why Doug... (a pause) well.
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 04
line 04
GREG: That's a good thing to remember, Walt.
(a pause) There was something else, though.
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 05
line 05
GREG: Tomorrow.
Tomorrow. Night, Greg.
RANDY
A man who has started naming his empties. Forties.
The voiceWhispering, like the cans might hear. Sincere. Slightly frightened.
The trapPlaying drunk. He isn't; he's worried.
Audition lineIs it normal to name the cans?
Every line for this part (7)
LL-01 THE CANS
line 01
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line. Take your time.
(whispering, like he's being overheard) Greg. Greg. Am I on?
LL-01 THE CANS
line 02
line 02
GREG: You're on, Randy.
Is it normal to name the cans?
LL-01 THE CANS
line 03
line 03
GREG: What do you call them?
(a pause) Greg.
LL-01 THE CANS
line 04
line 04
GREG: All of them?
There's a lot of Gregs, Greg.
LL-01 THE CANS
line 05
line 05
GREG: (gentle) Do the Gregs talk back?
No. That's the thing. They just... they're just there. In the morning. Looking at me.
LL-01 THE CANS
line 06
line 06
GREG: Randy, that might be the recycling.
(a long pause) Huh.
LL-01 THE CANS
line 07
line 07
GREG: Good night, Randy.
Night, Greg. (softer) Night, Gregs.
DEREK
A man who got into a hot tub at six and is calling from it at two. Thirties.
The voiceEchoey, bubbly, deeply relaxed, a little sleepy. Record it with a towel over your head if you can; we'll add the water.
The trapToo much stoner. He's not high, he's just warm.
Audition lineI have considered it, Greg. I have considered it deeply. From in here.
Every line for this part (6)
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 01
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line. Take your time.
(echoey, bubbling, far too relaxed) Greg! Greeeeg. I'm in the tub, man.
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 02
line 02
GREG: I can hear that. What's on your mind, Derek?
Nothing! That's the problem! I got in at six. It's two. I can't feel my knees and I don't want to.
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 03
line 03
GREG: Have you considered getting out?
I have considered it, Greg. I have considered it deeply. From in here.
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 04
line 04
GREG: What would it take?
A reason. Give me one reason.
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 05
line 05
GREG: Derek, your phone is in the water.
(a pause) It's on speaker, though.
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 06
line 06
GREG: Good night, Derek.
(fading, echoing) I'm gonna stay a little longer.
HAL
A retired school principal who hates his neighbor's neon BEER sign and calls everyone about it. Sixties. Also Channel 6's Neighbor of the Week.
The voiceFurious but polite. Every sentence is an incident report. Cracks, briefly, at the wave.
The trapShouting. His anger is administrative.
Audition lineIt's pink, Greg. It buzzes. My wife thinks it's Christmas.
Every line for this part (6)
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 01
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line.
(furious but polite; a retired principal) There's a sign, Greg. On a house. It says BEER. In lights.
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 02
line 02
GREG: How does it make you feel?
It's pink, Greg. It buzzes. My wife thinks it's Christmas.
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 03
line 03
GREG: Have you spoken to the neighbor?
I waved.
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 04
line 04
GREG: What did he do?
He waved back. With a can. (a pause) I didn't know what to do with that, Greg. I went inside.
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 05
line 05
GREG: Hal, sometimes a wave is all a man has.
(quiet) It's a very nice wave, actually.
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 06
line 06
GREG: There you go.
I still hate the sign.
TYLER
A kid in his twenties who called in with no problem, just to say something nice.
The voiceNervous, quiet, a lot of air in the voice. Talks himself into hanging up and then doesn't.
The trapSad-sack. He's fine; he's just awake.
Audition lineI don't have a problem. I just wanted to say you have a nice voice.
Every line for this part (6)
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 01
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line.
(twenties, nervous, first time calling) Hi. Um. I don't have a problem. I just wanted to say you have a nice voice.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 02
line 02
GREG: Thank you.
Okay. That's it. Bye.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 03
line 03
GREG: Wait. What's your name?
Tyler.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 04
line 04
GREG: Tyler, why are you up?
(a long pause) I don't know, Greg.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 05
line 05
GREG: That's okay. Nobody here knows. That's why the show's at two.
(a small laugh) Yeah.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 06
line 06
GREG: Get some water. Go to bed. Call me tomorrow and tell me you did.
Okay. (a pause) Thanks, Greg.
THE LAST CALLER
Could be anyone. Could be the guy playing the game. Never say.
The voiceQuiet, male, neutral, a little tired. No accent, no age. Four lines, all soft.
The trapGiving him a personality.
Audition lineGreg. Have you ever had a beer?
Every line for this part (3)
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 01
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line.
(quiet; could be anyone) Greg. Have you ever had a beer?
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 02
line 02
GREG: (a pause) One. In 1994. It was a Tuesday.
How was it?
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 03
line 03
GREG: (a long pause; a sip of tea) It was fine. (a pause) It was just fine. That was the problem.
(a pause) Okay.
PHIL
A man who calls every night to ask the time. He owns a clock.
The voiceUrgent, breathless, gone the moment he gets the answer.
The trapAnything more than four seconds of performance.
Audition lineGreg. What time is it?
Every line for this part (2)
LL-05 THE TIME
line 01
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line.
(urgent, out of breath) Greg. What time is it?
LL-05 THE TIME
line 02
line 02
GREG: It's about ten past two.
Okay. Okay. Thank you.
Hold My Beer
THE NARRATOR
The voice of every nature documentary you have ever fallen asleep to. Sixties. British. He has spent forty years in hides and blinds and he loves this animal.
The voiceHushed, unhurried, warm, with genuine wonder. Long sentences that land softly. He is never sarcastic; the comedy comes from how seriously he takes it.
The trapPlaying it as a joke. The second the narrator sounds like he knows it's funny, the show dies. He is delivering science.
Audition lineHe does not know why the grill must be this hot. He knows only that it must.
Every line for this part (51)
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Dusk, at the edge of the cul-de-sac. The male has lit the grill.
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 02
line 02
NARRATOR: Dusk, at the edge of the cul-de-sac. The male has lit the grill.
He does not know why it must be this hot. He knows only that it must.
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 03
line 03
NARRATOR: He does not know why it must be this hot. He knows only that it must.
Observe the stance. Feet apart. Tongs raised. He has not put anything on the grill. He will not, for some time.
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 04
line 04
NARRATOR: Observe the stance. Feet apart. Tongs raised. He has not put anything on the grill. He will not, for some time.
This is the display. It is for the neighbors.
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 05
line 05
NARRATOR: This is the display. It is for the neighbors.
The neighbor has seen. The display is complete.
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 06
line 06
THE MALE: (a satisfied exhale) Yep.
Nothing has been cooked. Everything has been achieved.
HMB-02 THE GARAGE FRIDGE
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Every territory has a second refrigerator. It lives in the garage. It is older than the marriage.
HMB-02 THE GARAGE FRIDGE
line 02
line 02
NARRATOR: Every territory has a second refrigerator. It lives in the garage. It is older than the marriage.
The male stands before it. He has stood before it for eleven minutes.
HMB-02 THE GARAGE FRIDGE
line 03
line 03
NARRATOR: The male stands before it. He has stood before it for eleven minutes.
Researchers once believed he was looking for something. He is not. This is where he thinks.
HMB-02 THE GARAGE FRIDGE
line 04
line 04
NARRATOR: Researchers once believed he was looking for something. He is not. This is where he thinks.
Note the temperature setting. It has never been changed. It cannot be. The dial came off in 2009.
HMB-02 THE GARAGE FRIDGE
line 05
line 05
NARRATOR: Note the temperature setting. It has never been changed. It cannot be. The dial came off in 2009.
He closes it at last, having taken nothing. He will return within the hour.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Seven in the morning. Saturday. The male surveys the lawn.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 02
line 02
NARRATOR: Seven in the morning. Saturday. The male surveys the lawn.
To the untrained eye, it is a lawn. To him, it is a war.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 03
line 03
NARRATOR: To the untrained eye, it is a lawn. To him, it is a war.
A dandelion. He will speak of this at dinner.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 04
line 04
NARRATOR: A dandelion. He will speak of this at dinner.
The lines must be straight. Nobody has asked for straight lines. He has never once been thanked for the lines.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 05
line 05
NARRATOR: The lines must be straight. Nobody has asked for straight lines. He has never once been thanked for the lines.
And yet.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 06
line 06
NARRATOR: And yet.
The neighbor's lines are crooked. The male has noticed. He will not say anything. He will simply know, forever.
HMB-04 MIGRATION
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Twice a season, the male migrates. His destination: the hardware store. His purpose: one screw.
HMB-04 MIGRATION
line 02
line 02
NARRATOR: Twice a season, the male migrates. His destination: the hardware store. His purpose: one screw.
He has brought the old screw. He will match it. This takes forty minutes, and it is the best forty minutes of his week.
HMB-04 MIGRATION
line 03
line 03
NARRATOR: He has brought the old screw. He will match it. This takes forty minutes, and it is the best forty minutes of his week.
Another male. They acknowledge one another with the smallest possible movement of the head. No words are exchanged. None are needed. Both are here for one screw.
HMB-04 MIGRATION
line 04
line 04
NARRATOR: Another male. They acknowledge one another with the smallest possible movement of the head. No words are exchanged. None are needed. Both are here for one screw.
He leaves with the screw. And a lamp. And mulch. He does not have a garden. The screw is the wrong size.
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
The neighborhood gathering. Here, the males form the circle.
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 02
line 02
NARRATOR: The neighborhood gathering. Here, the males form the circle.
Notice the spacing. Precisely one arm's length. Any closer would be intimacy. Any farther would be rude.
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 03
line 03
THE MALE: That the new one?
The call. It concerns a vehicle. It always concerns a vehicle.
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 04
line 04
NARRATOR: The call. It concerns a vehicle. It always concerns a vehicle.
They will now look at the truck for some time. Not one of them will drive it. The looking is enough.
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 05
line 05
NARRATOR: They will now look at the truck for some time. Not one of them will drive it. The looking is enough.
One will leave first. He will say a single word. And the others will understand completely.
HMB-06 HIBERNATION
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
Autumn. The male enters his long rest.
HMB-06 HIBERNATION
line 02
line 02
NARRATOR: Autumn. The male enters his long rest.
He will move very little between September and February. The bowl on his chest rises and falls. This is how we know he is alive.
HMB-06 HIBERNATION
line 03
line 03
NARRATOR: He will move very little between September and February. The bowl on his chest rises and falls. This is how we know he is alive.
The female passes through the habitat. He raises his legs. It is the most he will do today, and he considers it a contribution.
HMB-06 HIBERNATION
line 04
line 04
NARRATOR: The female passes through the habitat. He raises his legs. It is the most he will do today, and he considers it a contribution.
Sudden activity. A score. For three seconds the male is fully awake, fully alive, and fully upright.
HMB-06 HIBERNATION
line 05
line 05
NARRATOR: Sudden activity. A score. For three seconds the male is fully awake, fully alive, and fully upright.
And then the rest resumes. He will remember this moment. He will describe it, on Monday, to a man at work who was not asking.
HMB-07 THE INJURED MALE
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
The male has lifted something. It was not heavy. It was, in fact, a box of cereal. But he lifted it wrong.
HMB-07 THE INJURED MALE
line 02
line 02
NARRATOR: The male has lifted something. It was not heavy. It was, in fact, a box of cereal. But he lifted it wrong.
He has done his back.
HMB-07 THE INJURED MALE
line 03
line 03
NARRATOR: He has done his back.
He will now tell everyone. The neighbor. The mailman. A child. He will tell them where it hurts, and how, and that it is, quote, probably nothing.
HMB-07 THE INJURED MALE
line 04
line 04
NARRATOR: He will now tell everyone. The neighbor. The mailman. A child. He will tell them where it hurts, and how, and that it is, quote, probably nothing.
Sitting is a process now. It has stages. Each stage has a sound.
HMB-07 THE INJURED MALE
line 05
line 05
THE MALE: (a long, layered groan that goes somewhere unexpected in the middle)
He will refuse to see a doctor. He will buy a device from the television. He will mention his back until spring.
HMB-08 THE REMOTE
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
The remote is gone.
HMB-08 THE REMOTE
line 02
line 02
NARRATOR: The remote is gone.
The male tears through the habitat. The cushions. The gap. Under the dog. Behind the thing.
HMB-08 THE REMOTE
line 03
line 03
NARRATOR: The male tears through the habitat. The cushions. The gap. Under the dog. Behind the thing.
He has considered walking to the television and pressing a button. He has rejected this. It is not who he is.
HMB-08 THE REMOTE
line 04
line 04
NARRATOR: He has considered walking to the television and pressing a button. He has rejected this. It is not who he is.
The female has located the remote. It is in his hand. It has been in his hand.
HMB-08 THE REMOTE
line 05
line 05
THE MALE: (very quietly) Yeah.
He will not speak of this. She will speak of this at every gathering for the rest of their lives.
HMB-09 THE THERMOSTAT
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
In every dwelling there is a small device on the wall, and one male who believes it is his.
HMB-09 THE THERMOSTAT
line 02
line 02
NARRATOR: In every dwelling there is a small device on the wall, and one male who believes it is his.
He has set it to sixty-eight. He believes sixty-eight is a moral position.
HMB-09 THE THERMOSTAT
line 03
line 03
NARRATOR: He has set it to sixty-eight. He believes sixty-eight is a moral position.
An intruder approaches. He was in another room. Nobody knows how he heard. He always hears.
HMB-09 THE THERMOSTAT
line 04
line 04
THE MALE: Put on a sweater.
The call of the thermostat male. Heard in every home, on every continent, since the invention of the sweater.
HMB-09 THE THERMOSTAT
line 05
line 05
NARRATOR: The call of the thermostat male. Heard in every home, on every continent, since the invention of the sweater.
But at night, while he sleeps, the territory changes hands. It is seventy-four now. He will never know. He will wake up warm and blame the weather.
HMB-10 THE COOLER
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
The cooler. In the wild, the male's most sacred vessel.
HMB-10 THE COOLER
line 02
line 02
NARRATOR: The cooler. In the wild, the male's most sacred vessel.
Observe the packing. Ice, then cans, then ice. There is a method. He learned it from his father, who learned it from no one.
HMB-10 THE COOLER
line 03
line 03
NARRATOR: Observe the packing. Ice, then cans, then ice. There is a method. He learned it from his father, who learned it from no one.
It does not fit. It has never fit. He will make it fit.
HMB-10 THE COOLER
line 04
line 04
NARRATOR: It does not fit. It has never fit. He will make it fit.
The cooler rides up front now. It is wearing a seat belt. The child is in the back.
HMB-10 THE COOLER
line 05
line 05
NARRATOR: The cooler rides up front now. It is wearing a seat belt. The child is in the back.
At the lake he will open it, and find that he has packed, in total, two cans and nine pounds of ice. He will say nothing. He will drink both. This concludes our observation.
THE MALE
The animal. A suburban dad in shorts. He has about four words in the whole season and one groan.
The voiceAny adult male, tired, content. Low energy. The groan in The Injured Male is a full performance: it should go somewhere unexpected in the middle.
The trapDoing a character. He is just a guy. The less acting the better.
Audition lineYep.
Every line for this part (6)
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 01
line 01
NARRATOR: The neighbor has seen. The display is complete.
(a satisfied exhale) Yep.
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 01
line 01
NARRATOR: Notice the spacing. Precisely one arm's length. Any closer would be intimacy. Any farther would be rude.
That the new one?
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 02
line 02
NARRATOR: One will leave first. He will say a single word. And the others will understand completely.
Well.
HMB-07 THE INJURED MALE
line 01
line 01
NARRATOR: Sitting is a process now. It has stages. Each stage has a sound.
(a long, layered groan that goes somewhere unexpected in the middle)
HMB-08 THE REMOTE
line 01
line 01
NARRATOR: The female has located the remote. It is in his hand. It has been in his hand.
(very quietly) Yeah.
HMB-09 THE THERMOSTAT
line 01
line 01
NARRATOR: An intruder approaches. He was in another room. Nobody knows how he heard. He always hears.
Put on a sweater.
Channel 6
GARY DUNMORE
The weatherman. Fifties. A few beers in by six, every day, and the happiest man in the building. Always right.
The voiceBig, warm, round, a laugh that starts before the joke. Calls the sun the big guy. Slightly too loud for the room. On the roof, wind in his hair, he is the happiest he has ever been.
The trapSloppy-drunk slurring. He's not messy, he's just glowing.
Audition lineTonight, it's going to be night. Tomorrow: day again, with a chance of that continuing.
Every line for this part (16)
NEWS-01 NOTHING
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Our top story tonight: nothing. Nothing happened. We checked. Gary, weather.
Thanks, Diane! Big guy's going down right about now, and tonight, it's going to be night. Tomorrow: day again, with a chance of that continuing.
NEWS-02 TRAFFIC
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Good evening. I'm Diane Voss. Traffic: the bridge is still there.
(off, delighted) I drove over it!
NEWS-02 TRAFFIC
line 02
line 02
DIANE: Weather.
Ho-ho, Diane, it's a warm one! Seventy-one degrees. Or, you know. Around that. It feels like a hug. That's the science.
NEWS-04 NEIGHBOR OF THE WEEK
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Hal, congratulations. Please stop calling.
(off) I like the sign!
NEWS-04 NEIGHBOR OF THE WEEK
line 02
line 02
DIANE: Weather, Gary.
Cloudy with a chance of Diane getting mad at me! (laughs at his own joke, alone) Sixty-four degrees. Bring a jacket. Or don't. Live your life.
NEWS-06 THE OTTERS
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Gary.
Frost tonight, folks! Cover your tomatoes! (a pause) I don't have tomatoes. I have the one plant. Cover your one plant.
NEWS-07 LIVE REMOTE
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Weather.
Clear skies, Diane! You can see the other gas station from here! Hi, Marcus!
NEWS-08 THE ROOF
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Good evening. Tonight, a Channel 6 special report: Gary, live, from the roof.
Diane, I'm on the roof! I can see everything! I can see my car! I can see the brewery! Somebody's grilling on Cedar! (a sniff) Chicken! Diane, it's chicken!
NEWS-08 THE ROOF
line 02
line 02
DIANE: And the weather, Gary?
It's nice up here, Diane! Sixty-eight and that little breeze! (a pause) I'm gonna stay up here.
NEWS-08 THE ROOF
line 03
line 03
DIANE: Gary, we need you for the ten o'clock.
Do the ten from the roof, Diane! Come up! Bring Marcus!
NEWS-09 DIANE
line 01
line 01
DIANE: I have never once been asked how I am.
(off, softly, for once not loud) How are you, Diane?
NEWS-09 DIANE
line 02
line 02
DIANE: (a long pause) Cloudy, Gary. With a chance of clearing.
(off) That's my line.
NEWS-10 CHOPPER 6
line 01
line 01
JUNE: DIANE, I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY!
(off) Me neither, June!
NEWS-11 THE PARADE
line 01
line 01
DIANE: It is. Gary.
Parade weather, folks! And tomorrow: no parade, but the same sky!
NEWS-12 SIGN-OFF
line 01
line 01
DIANE: That's the news, ish. Tomorrow: a cat, probably. Gary?
Tomorrow's gonna be a day, folks. Go easy on it.
NEWS-12 SIGN-OFF
line 02
line 02
DIANE: (off-air voice) Is it off? Is it... Gary, is it off?
(off) It's off, Diane.
MARCUS PELL
The field reporter. Thirties. He is always at the gas station on Route 9, whatever the story is. He has never been happier anywhere.
The voiceEarnest, over-prepared, treats a hot dog like a moon landing. Slight wind noise. Every report ends with a sincere back to you.
The trapMaking him dumb. He's smart; he's just found his place.
Audition lineI'm at the gas station on Route 9, where earlier today a man bought a hot dog.
Every line for this part (12)
NEWS-01 NOTHING
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Thanks, Gary. Marcus is live at the scene. Marcus?
Diane, I'm at the gas station on Route 9, where earlier today a man bought a hot dog. I spoke to the man. He said it was, quote, okay. Back to you.
NEWS-02 TRAFFIC
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Gary drove over it. In other news, the light at Ferry and Main is still yellow. It has been yellow since March. The town calls it a feature. Marcus?
Diane, I'm at the gas station on Route 9. The light is about a mile from here. I can't see it. But I believe in it. Back to you.
NEWS-03 THE SMELL
line 01
line 01
DIANE: The smell, which residents describe as bread, but angry, has now reached the middle school.
Diane, I'm at the gas station on Route 9, about two hundred yards from the brewery. I can confirm the smell. It's here. It's in my jacket now. I spoke to a man who says he's stopped noticing. He was crying. Back to you.
NEWS-05 CONSUMER WATCH
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Our investigation found the promise was true. It was, in fact, dangerously true.
Diane, I ordered a six-pack from the gas station on Route 9. It arrived in four minutes. From a bicycle. The rider did not stop. He simply let go, at speed, and it landed here. On the pump. (a pause) I have the beer, Diane. I'm not sure I'm allowed to have the beer.
NEWS-07 LIVE REMOTE
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Good evening. We go live now to Marcus, who is somewhere new tonight.
Diane, I'm at the gas station on Route 9...
NEWS-07 LIVE REMOTE
line 02
line 02
DIANE: Marcus.
...the OTHER gas station, Diane. The one across from it. Big night. They got a new hot dog roller. It turns the other way. Locals are divided. One man told me, and I quote, I don't like it. He then bought a hot dog. Back to you.
NEWS-07 LIVE REMOTE
line 03
line 03
DIANE: Thank you, Marcus.
(still on) Diane, it's really nice over here.
NEWS-07 LIVE REMOTE
line 04
line 04
GARY: Clear skies, Diane! You can see the other gas station from here! Hi, Marcus!
(distant) Hi, Gary!
NEWS-08 THE ROOF
line 01
line 01
GARY: Do the ten from the roof, Diane! Come up! Bring Marcus!
(off, distant, from the gas station) I'm at the gas station!
NEWS-09 DIANE
line 01
line 01
DIANE: (the smallest smile) The bridge is still there. Marcus?
Gas station, Diane. It's beautiful tonight.
NEWS-11 THE PARADE
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Good evening. Hollis Ferry held its annual parade today. It lasted four minutes.
Diane, I'm at the gas station on Route 9, where the parade passed at approximately one o'clock. It consisted of four cars, a float, and a man walking. The man was not in the parade. He was going to work. Back to you.
NEWS-12 SIGN-OFF
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Marcus?
I'll be at the gas station, Diane. (a pause) I'm always at the gas station.
TODD RUIZ
Sports. Thirties. Sports-radio energy in a town with one high school team and a senior pickleball league.
The voiceFast, loud, punchy, sincerely invested in the Otters, who lose every week. Big optimism, no evidence.
The trapCynicism. Todd believes.
Audition lineThey lost again! Eighteen to nothing! But, and I want to be clear, they lost by less!
Every line for this part (7)
NEWS-01 NOTHING
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Thank you, Marcus. Sports is next. Or now. Todd.
The Otters lost, Diane. Twelve to nothing. Coach says they're building. I asked what. He walked away.
NEWS-03 THE SMELL
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Thank you, Marcus. Sports.
Pickleball, Diane! The Hollis Ferry Seniors took the regional title in a match officials are calling long. Doris Pratt, eighty-one, had this to say.
NEWS-03 THE SMELL
line 02
line 02
DORIS: (off, faint, delighted) I've got a hip like a hinge.
She does, Diane. She really does.
NEWS-06 THE OTTERS
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Good evening. Sports first tonight, because Todd asked nicely.
Big night for Otters football, Diane! They lost again! Eighteen to nothing! But, and I want to be clear, they lost by less!
NEWS-06 THE OTTERS
line 02
line 02
DIANE: That's progress, Todd.
Coach Bell had this to say: (a beat) We're building. I asked what. He said character. I asked if character could kick a field goal. He walked away, Diane. They always walk away.
NEWS-11 THE PARADE
line 01
line 01
JUNE: I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GET EMOTIONAL, DIANE!
The float was the pickleball club, Diane. Doris waved with the hip.
NEWS-12 SIGN-OFF
line 01
line 01
DIANE: Todd?
Otters play Thursday. Bring a coat. Bring hope. Bring a coat.
Ads
THE ANNOUNCER
The voice of every commercial on every channel. Brewber Eats, Red Ox, RoboSweep.
The voiceMovie-trailer bass for Brewber Eats, full shout for Red Ox, soft tech-ad murmur for RoboSweep, and a fast tiny voice for the disclaimers. One actor, four gears.
The trapBeing the same in all four.
Audition lineThirsty? Don't stand up.
Every line for this part (5)
AD-01 BREWBER EATS
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
(movie-trailer voice) Thirsty? Don't stand up. BREWBER EATS. Beer to your door in ten minutes, or the next one's on us.
AD-01 BREWBER EATS
line 02
line 02
THE ANNOUNCER: (movie-trailer voice) Thirsty? Don't stand up. BREWBER EATS. Beer to your door in ten minutes, or the next one's on us.
(fast, tiny) Riders do not stop. Please stand clear of the door.
AD-02 RED OX
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
(yelling, joyful) It's two a.m. and you've got THINGS TO DO. RED OX ENERGY. Eyes open. Regrets later.
AD-02 RED OX
line 02
line 02
THE ANNOUNCER: (yelling, joyful) It's two a.m. and you've got THINGS TO DO. RED OX ENERGY. Eyes open. Regrets later.
(fast, tiny) Do not drink Red Ox if you are, or plan to be, asleep.
AD-11 ROBOSWEEP
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
(soft, a tech ad) Meet the new RoboSweep. It learns your floor. Then it learns the Hendersons' floor. (a beat) RoboSweep. It's yours until it isn't.
VIC MARCHETTI
A personal-injury lawyer for can-related injuries. Not admitted to practice anywhere.
The voiceFast, aggressive, pointing at the camera, then a disclaimer at double speed.
The trapCharm.
Audition lineHave you been injured by a can?
Every line for this part (2)
AD-05 VIC MARCHETTI
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
(fast, aggressive, pointing at you) Have you been injured by a can? A grill? A cooler in a passenger seat? Call Vic Marchetti. I'll get you what you're owed. Mostly cans.
AD-05 VIC MARCHETTI
line 02
line 02
VIC: (fast, aggressive, pointing at you) Have you been injured by a can? A grill? A cooler in a passenger seat? Call Vic Marchetti. I'll get you what you're owed. Mostly cans.
(faster) Vic Marchetti is not admitted to practice in this or any state.
THE DOCTOR
Not a doctor. In a costume. Sells headache medicine.
The voiceCalm, warm, trustworthy, right up until the last line.
The trapPlaying the twist early.
Audition lineTake two. Take three. I'm not a doctor. This is a costume.
Every line for this part (1)
AD-03 HEAD-EASE
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
(calm, warm, a lab coat you can hear) Morning got you? Head-Ease. Eleven dollars. Take two. (a beat) Take three. (a beat) I'm not a doctor. This is a costume.
THE BREWERY VOICE
Corporate. The brewery's official voice.
The voiceSmooth, slow, too close to the mic, the warmth of a company that has lawyers.
The trapVillainy. It's proud of the house thing.
Audition lineThat's why every can is tested. By someone. In a house.
Every line for this part (1)
AD-04 THE BREWERY
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
(smooth, corporate, a little too close to the mic) At the brewery, we believe in quality. That's why every can is tested. By someone. In a house. (a beat) Now hiring.
THE PIZZA KID
A teenager reading the Ferry Street Pizza ad off a card in one take.
The voiceBored, flat, and then quietly ominous on the last line without changing anything.
The trapEffort.
Audition lineWe find you. We always find you.
Every line for this part (1)
AD-06 FERRY STREET PIZZA
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
(a tired teenager reading a card) Ferry Street Pizza. We deliver. We find you. (a pause) We always find you.
BARNEY
Barney's Hardware. Has leaned on the same counter for forty years.
The voiceFolksy, slow, one eyebrow up. Knows exactly what you'll leave with.
The trapHick. He's the smartest businessman in town.
Audition lineNeed one screw? Leave with a lamp.
Every line for this part (1)
AD-08 BARNEY'S HARDWARE
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
(folksy, a man who has been leaning on a counter for forty years) Need one screw? Come on down to Barney's Hardware. Leave with a lamp.
THE DEALER
Hollis Ferry Motors. Trucks.
The voiceShouting, completely sincere, no irony anywhere in his body.
The trapSleaze. He loves trucks.
Audition lineNobody drives 'em! Just look!
Every line for this part (1)
AD-09 HOLLIS FERRY MOTORS
line 01
line 01
(opens the scene)
(shouting, sincere) Hollis Ferry Motors! Trucks! We got trucks! Come look at 'em! Nobody drives 'em! Just look!