Blue names are open roles — not written for any particular voice. Line counts are for the whole season.
THE NARRATORlead · 51 lines · open to any voice
The voice of every nature documentary you have ever fallen asleep to. Sixties. British. He has spent forty years in hides and blinds and he loves this animal.
The voiceHushed, unhurried, warm, with genuine wonder. Long sentences that land softly. He is never sarcastic; the comedy comes from how seriously he takes it.
The trapPlaying it as a joke. The second the narrator sounds like he knows it's funny, the show dies. He is delivering science.
Audition lineHe does not know why the grill must be this hot. He knows only that it must.
Every line for this part (51)
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 01
(opens the scene)
Dusk, at the edge of the cul-de-sac. The male has lit the grill.
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 02
NARRATOR: Dusk, at the edge of the cul-de-sac. The male has lit the grill.
He does not know why it must be this hot. He knows only that it must.
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 03
NARRATOR: He does not know why it must be this hot. He knows only that it must.
Observe the stance. Feet apart. Tongs raised. He has not put anything on the grill. He will not, for some time.
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 04
NARRATOR: Observe the stance. Feet apart. Tongs raised. He has not put anything on the grill. He will not, for some time.
This is the display. It is for the neighbors.
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 05
NARRATOR: This is the display. It is for the neighbors.
The neighbor has seen. The display is complete.
HMB-01 THE GRILL
line 06
THE MALE: (a satisfied exhale) Yep.
Nothing has been cooked. Everything has been achieved.
HMB-02 THE GARAGE FRIDGE
line 01
(opens the scene)
Every territory has a second refrigerator. It lives in the garage. It is older than the marriage.
HMB-02 THE GARAGE FRIDGE
line 02
NARRATOR: Every territory has a second refrigerator. It lives in the garage. It is older than the marriage.
The male stands before it. He has stood before it for eleven minutes.
HMB-02 THE GARAGE FRIDGE
line 03
NARRATOR: The male stands before it. He has stood before it for eleven minutes.
Researchers once believed he was looking for something. He is not. This is where he thinks.
HMB-02 THE GARAGE FRIDGE
line 04
NARRATOR: Researchers once believed he was looking for something. He is not. This is where he thinks.
Note the temperature setting. It has never been changed. It cannot be. The dial came off in 2009.
HMB-02 THE GARAGE FRIDGE
line 05
NARRATOR: Note the temperature setting. It has never been changed. It cannot be. The dial came off in 2009.
He closes it at last, having taken nothing. He will return within the hour.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 01
(opens the scene)
Seven in the morning. Saturday. The male surveys the lawn.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 02
NARRATOR: Seven in the morning. Saturday. The male surveys the lawn.
To the untrained eye, it is a lawn. To him, it is a war.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 03
NARRATOR: To the untrained eye, it is a lawn. To him, it is a war.
A dandelion. He will speak of this at dinner.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 04
NARRATOR: A dandelion. He will speak of this at dinner.
The lines must be straight. Nobody has asked for straight lines. He has never once been thanked for the lines.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 05
NARRATOR: The lines must be straight. Nobody has asked for straight lines. He has never once been thanked for the lines.
And yet.
HMB-03 THE LAWN
line 06
NARRATOR: And yet.
The neighbor's lines are crooked. The male has noticed. He will not say anything. He will simply know, forever.
HMB-04 MIGRATION
line 01
(opens the scene)
Twice a season, the male migrates. His destination: the hardware store. His purpose: one screw.
HMB-04 MIGRATION
line 02
NARRATOR: Twice a season, the male migrates. His destination: the hardware store. His purpose: one screw.
He has brought the old screw. He will match it. This takes forty minutes, and it is the best forty minutes of his week.
HMB-04 MIGRATION
line 03
NARRATOR: He has brought the old screw. He will match it. This takes forty minutes, and it is the best forty minutes of his week.
Another male. They acknowledge one another with the smallest possible movement of the head. No words are exchanged. None are needed. Both are here for one screw.
HMB-04 MIGRATION
line 04
NARRATOR: Another male. They acknowledge one another with the smallest possible movement of the head. No words are exchanged. None are needed. Both are here for one screw.
He leaves with the screw. And a lamp. And mulch. He does not have a garden. The screw is the wrong size.
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 01
(opens the scene)
The neighborhood gathering. Here, the males form the circle.
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 02
NARRATOR: The neighborhood gathering. Here, the males form the circle.
Notice the spacing. Precisely one arm's length. Any closer would be intimacy. Any farther would be rude.
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 03
THE MALE: That the new one?
The call. It concerns a vehicle. It always concerns a vehicle.
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 04
NARRATOR: The call. It concerns a vehicle. It always concerns a vehicle.
They will now look at the truck for some time. Not one of them will drive it. The looking is enough.
HMB-05 COURTSHIP
line 05
NARRATOR: They will now look at the truck for some time. Not one of them will drive it. The looking is enough.
One will leave first. He will say a single word. And the others will understand completely.
HMB-06 HIBERNATION
line 01
(opens the scene)
Autumn. The male enters his long rest.
HMB-06 HIBERNATION
line 02
NARRATOR: Autumn. The male enters his long rest.
He will move very little between September and February. The bowl on his chest rises and falls. This is how we know he is alive.
HMB-06 HIBERNATION
line 03
NARRATOR: He will move very little between September and February. The bowl on his chest rises and falls. This is how we know he is alive.
The female passes through the habitat. He raises his legs. It is the most he will do today, and he considers it a contribution.
HMB-06 HIBERNATION
line 04
NARRATOR: The female passes through the habitat. He raises his legs. It is the most he will do today, and he considers it a contribution.
Sudden activity. A score. For three seconds the male is fully awake, fully alive, and fully upright.
HMB-06 HIBERNATION
line 05
NARRATOR: Sudden activity. A score. For three seconds the male is fully awake, fully alive, and fully upright.
And then the rest resumes. He will remember this moment. He will describe it, on Monday, to a man at work who was not asking.
HMB-07 THE INJURED MALE
line 01
(opens the scene)
The male has lifted something. It was not heavy. It was, in fact, a box of cereal. But he lifted it wrong.
HMB-07 THE INJURED MALE
line 02
NARRATOR: The male has lifted something. It was not heavy. It was, in fact, a box of cereal. But he lifted it wrong.
He has done his back.
HMB-07 THE INJURED MALE
line 03
NARRATOR: He has done his back.
He will now tell everyone. The neighbor. The mailman. A child. He will tell them where it hurts, and how, and that it is, quote, probably nothing.
HMB-07 THE INJURED MALE
line 04
NARRATOR: He will now tell everyone. The neighbor. The mailman. A child. He will tell them where it hurts, and how, and that it is, quote, probably nothing.
Sitting is a process now. It has stages. Each stage has a sound.
HMB-07 THE INJURED MALE
line 05
THE MALE: (a long, layered groan that goes somewhere unexpected in the middle)
He will refuse to see a doctor. He will buy a device from the television. He will mention his back until spring.
HMB-08 THE REMOTE
line 01
(opens the scene)
The remote is gone.
HMB-08 THE REMOTE
line 02
NARRATOR: The remote is gone.
The male tears through the habitat. The cushions. The gap. Under the dog. Behind the thing.
HMB-08 THE REMOTE
line 03
NARRATOR: The male tears through the habitat. The cushions. The gap. Under the dog. Behind the thing.
He has considered walking to the television and pressing a button. He has rejected this. It is not who he is.
HMB-08 THE REMOTE
line 04
NARRATOR: He has considered walking to the television and pressing a button. He has rejected this. It is not who he is.
The female has located the remote. It is in his hand. It has been in his hand.
HMB-08 THE REMOTE
line 05
THE MALE: (very quietly) Yeah.
He will not speak of this. She will speak of this at every gathering for the rest of their lives.
HMB-09 THE THERMOSTAT
line 01
(opens the scene)
In every dwelling there is a small device on the wall, and one male who believes it is his.
HMB-09 THE THERMOSTAT
line 02
NARRATOR: In every dwelling there is a small device on the wall, and one male who believes it is his.
He has set it to sixty-eight. He believes sixty-eight is a moral position.
HMB-09 THE THERMOSTAT
line 03
NARRATOR: He has set it to sixty-eight. He believes sixty-eight is a moral position.
An intruder approaches. He was in another room. Nobody knows how he heard. He always hears.
HMB-09 THE THERMOSTAT
line 04
THE MALE: Put on a sweater.
The call of the thermostat male. Heard in every home, on every continent, since the invention of the sweater.
HMB-09 THE THERMOSTAT
line 05
NARRATOR: The call of the thermostat male. Heard in every home, on every continent, since the invention of the sweater.
But at night, while he sleeps, the territory changes hands. It is seventy-four now. He will never know. He will wake up warm and blame the weather.
HMB-10 THE COOLER
line 01
(opens the scene)
The cooler. In the wild, the male's most sacred vessel.
HMB-10 THE COOLER
line 02
NARRATOR: The cooler. In the wild, the male's most sacred vessel.
Observe the packing. Ice, then cans, then ice. There is a method. He learned it from his father, who learned it from no one.
HMB-10 THE COOLER
line 03
NARRATOR: Observe the packing. Ice, then cans, then ice. There is a method. He learned it from his father, who learned it from no one.
It does not fit. It has never fit. He will make it fit.
HMB-10 THE COOLER
line 04
NARRATOR: It does not fit. It has never fit. He will make it fit.
The cooler rides up front now. It is wearing a seat belt. The child is in the back.
HMB-10 THE COOLER
line 05
NARRATOR: The cooler rides up front now. It is wearing a seat belt. The child is in the back.
At the lake he will open it, and find that he has packed, in total, two cans and nine pounds of ice. He will say nothing. He will drink both. This concludes our observation.
DIANE VOSSlead · 51 lines
The anchor. Nineteen years at the desk. Forties. Perfect hair, perfect diction, one bad day from walking out.
The voiceCrisp local-news cadence, every consonant in place, professional to the bone. The exhaustion lives in the pauses, never in the words. Episode nine is her one crack; keep it small.
The trapSarcasm. Diane is never sarcastic. She is simply reporting, including on her own life.
Audition lineOur top story tonight: nothing. Nothing happened. We checked. Gary, weather.
Every line for this part (51)
NEWS-01 NOTHING
line 01
(opens the scene)
Good evening. It's six-ish. I'm Diane Voss, and this is the news.
NEWS-01 NOTHING
line 02
DIANE: Good evening. It's six-ish. I'm Diane Voss, and this is the news.
Our top story tonight: nothing. Nothing happened. We checked. Gary, weather.
NEWS-01 NOTHING
line 03
GARY: Thanks, Diane! Big guy's going down right about now, and tonight, it's going to be night. Tomorrow: day again, with a chance of that continuing.
Thanks, Gary. Marcus is live at the scene. Marcus?
NEWS-01 NOTHING
line 04
MARCUS: Diane, I'm at the gas station on Route 9, where earlier today a man bought a hot dog. I spoke to the man. He said it was, quote, okay. Back to you.
Thank you, Marcus. Sports is next. Or now. Todd.
NEWS-01 NOTHING
line 05
TODD: The Otters lost, Diane. Twelve to nothing. Coach says they're building. I asked what. He walked away.
That's the news. Ish.
NEWS-02 TRAFFIC
line 01
(opens the scene)
Good evening. I'm Diane Voss. Traffic: the bridge is still there.
NEWS-02 TRAFFIC
line 02
GARY: (off, delighted) I drove over it!
Gary drove over it. In other news, the light at Ferry and Main is still yellow. It has been yellow since March. The town calls it a feature. Marcus?
NEWS-02 TRAFFIC
line 03
MARCUS: Diane, I'm at the gas station on Route 9. The light is about a mile from here. I can't see it. But I believe in it. Back to you.
Weather.
NEWS-03 THE SMELL
line 01
(opens the scene)
Good evening. The brewery on Route 9 announced record profits today and, in a separate statement, that it has no comment on the smell.
NEWS-03 THE SMELL
line 02
DIANE: Good evening. The brewery on Route 9 announced record profits today and, in a separate statement, that it has no comment on the smell.
The smell, which residents describe as bread, but angry, has now reached the middle school.
NEWS-03 THE SMELL
line 03
MARCUS: Diane, I'm at the gas station on Route 9, about two hundred yards from the brewery. I can confirm the smell. It's here. It's in my jacket now. I spoke to a man who says he's stopped noticing. He was crying. Back to you.
Thank you, Marcus. Sports.
NEWS-04 NEIGHBOR OF THE WEEK
line 01
(opens the scene)
Good evening. Our Neighbor of the Week is Hal Brenner of Cedar Lane, who has called this station forty-one times about a sign.
NEWS-04 NEIGHBOR OF THE WEEK
line 02
DIANE: Good evening. Our Neighbor of the Week is Hal Brenner of Cedar Lane, who has called this station forty-one times about a sign.
(reading) The sign, which says BEER, is pink and, according to Hal, buzzes at a frequency that upsets the birds. We could not confirm the birds. We did not try.
NEWS-04 NEIGHBOR OF THE WEEK
line 03
DIANE: (reading) The sign, which says BEER, is pink and, according to Hal, buzzes at a frequency that upsets the birds. We could not confirm the birds. We did not try.
Hal, congratulations. Please stop calling.
NEWS-04 NEIGHBOR OF THE WEEK
line 04
GARY: (off) I like the sign!
Weather, Gary.
NEWS-05 CONSUMER WATCH
line 01
(opens the scene)
Good evening. Consumer Watch. Tonight: the delivery app Brewber Eats, which promises beer in under ten minutes or the next one's on us.
NEWS-05 CONSUMER WATCH
line 02
DIANE: Good evening. Consumer Watch. Tonight: the delivery app Brewber Eats, which promises beer in under ten minutes or the next one's on us.
Our investigation found the promise was true. It was, in fact, dangerously true.
NEWS-05 CONSUMER WATCH
line 03
MARCUS: Diane, I ordered a six-pack from the gas station on Route 9. It arrived in four minutes. From a bicycle. The rider did not stop. He simply let go, at speed, and it landed here. On the pump. (a pause) I have the beer, Diane. I'm not sure I'm allowed to have the beer.
Thank you, Marcus. Brewber Eats responded to our questions with a coupon.
NEWS-05 CONSUMER WATCH
line 04
DIANE: Thank you, Marcus. Brewber Eats responded to our questions with a coupon.
We will be using the coupon.
NEWS-06 THE OTTERS
line 01
(opens the scene)
Good evening. Sports first tonight, because Todd asked nicely.
NEWS-06 THE OTTERS
line 02
TODD: Big night for Otters football, Diane! They lost again! Eighteen to nothing! But, and I want to be clear, they lost by less!
That's progress, Todd.
NEWS-06 THE OTTERS
line 03
TODD: Coach Bell had this to say: (a beat) We're building. I asked what. He said character. I asked if character could kick a field goal. He walked away, Diane. They always walk away.
Gary.
NEWS-07 LIVE REMOTE
line 01
(opens the scene)
Good evening. We go live now to Marcus, who is somewhere new tonight.
NEWS-07 LIVE REMOTE
line 02
MARCUS: Diane, I'm at the gas station on Route 9...
Marcus.
NEWS-07 LIVE REMOTE
line 03
MARCUS: ...the OTHER gas station, Diane. The one across from it. Big night. They got a new hot dog roller. It turns the other way. Locals are divided. One man told me, and I quote, I don't like it. He then bought a hot dog. Back to you.
Thank you, Marcus.
NEWS-07 LIVE REMOTE
line 04
MARCUS: (still on) Diane, it's really nice over here.
Weather.
NEWS-08 THE ROOF
line 01
(opens the scene)
Good evening. Tonight, a Channel 6 special report: Gary, live, from the roof.
NEWS-08 THE ROOF
line 02
GARY: Diane, I'm on the roof! I can see everything! I can see my car! I can see the brewery! Somebody's grilling on Cedar! (a sniff) Chicken! Diane, it's chicken!
And the weather, Gary?
NEWS-08 THE ROOF
line 03
GARY: It's nice up here, Diane! Sixty-eight and that little breeze! (a pause) I'm gonna stay up here.
Gary, we need you for the ten o'clock.
NEWS-08 THE ROOF
line 04
MARCUS: (off, distant, from the gas station) I'm at the gas station!
That's the news.
NEWS-09 DIANE
line 01
(opens the scene)
Good evening. (a pause) I want to say something before the news.
NEWS-09 DIANE
line 02
DIANE: Good evening. (a pause) I want to say something before the news.
I've been at this desk for nineteen years. I have said back to you, Gary, four thousand one hundred and twelve times. I counted, during the pickleball.
NEWS-09 DIANE
line 03
DIANE: I've been at this desk for nineteen years. I have said back to you, Gary, four thousand one hundred and twelve times. I counted, during the pickleball.
I have never once been asked how I am.
NEWS-09 DIANE
line 04
GARY: (off, softly, for once not loud) How are you, Diane?
(a long pause) Cloudy, Gary. With a chance of clearing.
NEWS-09 DIANE
line 05
GARY: (off) That's my line.
(the smallest smile) The bridge is still there. Marcus?
NEWS-10 CHOPPER 6
line 01
(opens the scene)
Good evening. Channel 6 is pleased to announce that we have a helicopter.
NEWS-10 CHOPPER 6
line 02
DIANE: Good evening. Channel 6 is pleased to announce that we have a helicopter.
We go now to June Achterberg, live, in Chopper 6.
NEWS-10 CHOPPER 6
line 03
JUNE: (shouting joyfully over rotors) DIANE! I CAN SEE THE WHOLE TOWN!
How's traffic, June?
NEWS-10 CHOPPER 6
line 04
JUNE: THERE ISN'T ANY, DIANE! THERE IS NO TRAFFIC! IT'S BEAUTIFUL!
Anything at all to report?
NEWS-10 CHOPPER 6
line 05
JUNE: THERE'S A DOG! HE'S GOING NORTH ON FERRY! HE'S MAKING GOOD TIME!
Thank you, June.
NEWS-10 CHOPPER 6
line 06
GARY: (off) Me neither, June!
Weather.
NEWS-11 THE PARADE
line 01
(opens the scene)
Good evening. Hollis Ferry held its annual parade today. It lasted four minutes.
NEWS-11 THE PARADE
line 02
MARCUS: Diane, I'm at the gas station on Route 9, where the parade passed at approximately one o'clock. It consisted of four cars, a float, and a man walking. The man was not in the parade. He was going to work. Back to you.
June, from the air?
NEWS-11 THE PARADE
line 03
JUNE: (over rotors) DIANE, FROM UP HERE IT LOOKED LIKE A SENTENCE! FOUR CARS AND A PERIOD!
That's lovely, June.
NEWS-11 THE PARADE
line 04
DORIS: (off, delighted) It's a hinge!
It is. Gary.
NEWS-12 SIGN-OFF
line 01
(opens the scene)
That's the news, ish. Tomorrow: a cat, probably. Gary?
NEWS-12 SIGN-OFF
line 02
GARY: Tomorrow's gonna be a day, folks. Go easy on it.
Todd?
NEWS-12 SIGN-OFF
line 03
TODD: Otters play Thursday. Bring a coat. Bring hope. Bring a coat.
Marcus?
NEWS-12 SIGN-OFF
line 04
MARCUS: I'll be at the gas station, Diane. (a pause) I'm always at the gas station.
Good night, Hollis Ferry.
NEWS-12 SIGN-OFF
line 05
DIANE: Good night, Hollis Ferry.
(off-air voice) Is it off? Is it... Gary, is it off?
NEWS-12 SIGN-OFF
line 06
GARY: (off) It's off, Diane.
Thank God. Where's the wine.
JUNE ACHTERBERGmedium · 6 lines
Chopper 6. Forties. Channel 6 got a helicopter and June got the job, and there is no traffic in Hollis Ferry, and she has never been happier.
The voiceShouting over rotors, joyful, every line at full volume because she cannot hear herself. Pure delight, no irony. Record it loud; we add the helicopter.
The trapReporter voice. June is not reporting, she is having the time of her life.
Audition lineTHERE ISN'T ANY, DIANE! THERE IS NO TRAFFIC! IT'S BEAUTIFUL!
Every line for this part (6)
NEWS-10 CHOPPER 6
line 01
DIANE: We go now to June Achterberg, live, in Chopper 6.
(shouting joyfully over rotors) DIANE! I CAN SEE THE WHOLE TOWN!
NEWS-10 CHOPPER 6
line 02
DIANE: How's traffic, June?
THERE ISN'T ANY, DIANE! THERE IS NO TRAFFIC! IT'S BEAUTIFUL!
NEWS-10 CHOPPER 6
line 03
DIANE: Anything at all to report?
THERE'S A DOG! HE'S GOING NORTH ON FERRY! HE'S MAKING GOOD TIME!
NEWS-10 CHOPPER 6
line 04
DIANE: Thank you, June.
DIANE, I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY!
NEWS-11 THE PARADE
line 01
DIANE: June, from the air?
(over rotors) DIANE, FROM UP HERE IT LOOKED LIKE A SENTENCE! FOUR CARS AND A PERIOD!
NEWS-11 THE PARADE
line 02
DIANE: That's lovely, June.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GET EMOTIONAL, DIANE!
DORIS PRATTsmall · 3 lines
Eighty-one. Regional pickleball champion. Has a hip like a hinge and tells everyone.
The voiceThrilled, cracked, a little far from the mic. Two lines in the season and she steals both.
The trapFrail. She is the strongest person in Hollis Ferry.
Audition lineI've got a hip like a hinge.
Every line for this part (3)
NEWS-03 THE SMELL
line 01
TODD: Pickleball, Diane! The Hollis Ferry Seniors took the regional title in a match officials are calling long. Doris Pratt, eighty-one, had this to say.
(off, faint, delighted) I've got a hip like a hinge.
NEWS-11 THE PARADE
line 01
TODD: The float was the pickleball club, Diane. Doris waved with the hip.
(off, delighted) It's a hinge!
AD-10 PICKLEBALL
line 01
(opens the scene)
(eighty-one, thrilled) Pickleball. Tuesdays at the rec center. Bring a hip. (a beat) I've got one like a hinge.
THE ANNOUNCERmedium · 5 lines · open to any voice
The voice of every commercial on every channel. Brewber Eats, Red Ox, RoboSweep.
The voiceMovie-trailer bass for Brewber Eats, full shout for Red Ox, soft tech-ad murmur for RoboSweep, and a fast tiny voice for the disclaimers. One actor, four gears.
The trapBeing the same in all four.
Audition lineThirsty? Don't stand up.
Every line for this part (5)
AD-01 BREWBER EATS
line 01
(opens the scene)
(movie-trailer voice) Thirsty? Don't stand up. BREWBER EATS. Beer to your door in ten minutes, or the next one's on us.
AD-01 BREWBER EATS
line 02
THE ANNOUNCER: (movie-trailer voice) Thirsty? Don't stand up. BREWBER EATS. Beer to your door in ten minutes, or the next one's on us.
(fast, tiny) Riders do not stop. Please stand clear of the door.
AD-02 RED OX
line 01
(opens the scene)
(yelling, joyful) It's two a.m. and you've got THINGS TO DO. RED OX ENERGY. Eyes open. Regrets later.
AD-02 RED OX
line 02
THE ANNOUNCER: (yelling, joyful) It's two a.m. and you've got THINGS TO DO. RED OX ENERGY. Eyes open. Regrets later.
(fast, tiny) Do not drink Red Ox if you are, or plan to be, asleep.
AD-11 ROBOSWEEP
line 01
(opens the scene)
(soft, a tech ad) Meet the new RoboSweep. It learns your floor. Then it learns the Hendersons' floor. (a beat) RoboSweep. It's yours until it isn't.
THE DOCTORsmall · 1 line · open to any voice
Not a doctor. In a costume. Sells headache medicine.
The voiceCalm, warm, trustworthy, right up until the last line.
The trapPlaying the twist early.
Audition lineTake two. Take three. I'm not a doctor. This is a costume.
Every line for this part (1)
AD-03 HEAD-EASE
line 01
(opens the scene)
(calm, warm, a lab coat you can hear) Morning got you? Head-Ease. Eleven dollars. Take two. (a beat) Take three. (a beat) I'm not a doctor. This is a costume.
THE BREWERY VOICEsmall · 1 line · open to any voice
Corporate. The brewery's official voice.
The voiceSmooth, slow, too close to the mic, the warmth of a company that has lawyers.
The trapVillainy. It's proud of the house thing.
Audition lineThat's why every can is tested. By someone. In a house.
Every line for this part (1)
AD-04 THE BREWERY
line 01
(opens the scene)
(smooth, corporate, a little too close to the mic) At the brewery, we believe in quality. That's why every can is tested. By someone. In a house. (a beat) Now hiring.
THE PIZZA KIDsmall · 1 line · open to any voice
A teenager reading the Ferry Street Pizza ad off a card in one take.
The voiceBored, flat, and then quietly ominous on the last line without changing anything.
The trapEffort.
Audition lineWe find you. We always find you.
Every line for this part (1)
AD-06 FERRY STREET PIZZA
line 01
(opens the scene)
(a tired teenager reading a card) Ferry Street Pizza. We deliver. We find you. (a pause) We always find you.
MRS. OKAFORsmall · 1 line
Owns the laundromat. Keeps the coffee on for Greg's callers.
The voiceOlder, gravelly, kind. A woman who has seen everyone in town in their pajamas.
The trapSweetness. She's kind, not sweet.
Audition lineThe coffee's free. Greg says hi.
Every line for this part (1)
AD-07 THE LAUNDROMAT
line 01
(opens the scene)
(older, gravelly, kind) Ferry Street Laundromat. Open twenty-four hours. The coffee's free. Greg says hi.
THE DEALERsmall · 1 line · open to any voice
Hollis Ferry Motors. Trucks.
The voiceShouting, completely sincere, no irony anywhere in his body.
The trapSleaze. He loves trucks.
Audition lineNobody drives 'em! Just look!
Every line for this part (1)
AD-09 HOLLIS FERRY MOTORS
line 01
(opens the scene)
(shouting, sincere) Hollis Ferry Motors! Trucks! We got trucks! Come look at 'em! Nobody drives 'em! Just look!
DR. AMARIsmall · 1 line
A dentist who has seen everything in this town's mouths and has opinions about one thing only.
The voiceBrisk, kind, unshockable. The pivot to the ice is the joke; play it as a genuine clinical concern.
The trapScolding.
Audition lineWe've seen the cans. We're not here to talk about the cans.
Every line for this part (1)
AD-12 HOLLIS FERRY DENTAL
line 01
(opens the scene)
(brisk, kind, absolutely unshockable) Hollis Ferry Dental. We've seen the cans. We're not here to talk about the cans. (a beat) We're here to talk about the ice.
MARGEsmall · 1 line
Otters Booster Club. Has sold a great many raffle tickets for a team that has never won.
The voiceThe voice of a folding table outside a supermarket. Practised, friendly, and quietly honest at the end.
The trapSarcasm on the last line. She means it: it is a nice cooler.
Audition lineGrand prize: a cooler. It's a nice cooler. It's nicer than the season.
Every line for this part (1)
AD-13 OTTERS BOOSTER CLUB
line 01
(opens the scene)
(a woman who has sold a great many raffle tickets) Support Otters football. One dollar a ticket. Grand prize: a cooler. (a beat) It's a nice cooler. It's nicer than the season.
STATION VOICEsmall · 14 lines · open to any voice
Whoever was left in the building. Reads the station ID off a card.
The voiceFlat, bored, fluorescent. No performance at all.
The trapEnthusiasm.
Audition lineHollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
Every line for this part (14)
LL-01 THE CANS
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-03 THE HOT TUB
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-04 WALT, PART ONE
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-05 THE TIME
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-07 THE SIGN
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-08 THE COMPLIMENT
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-09 WALT, PART TWO
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-10 THE LIST
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 01
(opens the scene)
Hollis Ferry Public Access. It's two a.m. Here's Greg.
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 02
GREG: That's the show. Drink some water. It's Hollis Ferry, it's two-thirty, and somebody out there is still up. (a pause) I know you are. I'm still up too.
This has been Late Line. Public access thanks the Ferry Street Laundromat for the coffee.
NADIAone episode · 7 lines
Twenties. Her dad listens to Late Line every night in the garage. She calls to ask if he's ever called in.
The voiceCareful, quiet, a little apologetic for taking up time. The last line is almost inaudible and is the whole show.
The trapSadness. She isn't sad; she's trying something.
Audition lineI wanted to ask... has he ever called? His name's Ray.
Every line for this part (7)
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line.
(twenties, careful, a little unsure she should be doing this) Hi. Um. This is going to sound strange.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 02
GREG: Most of it does.
My dad listens to you. Every night. He's got the little radio in the garage.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 03
GREG: That's nice to hear.
I wanted to ask... has he ever called? (a pause) His name's Ray.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 04
GREG: (a long pause) I don't give out who calls, Nadia.
No. Right. Of course.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 05
GREG: (gently) But I'd say a lot of people listen for a long time before they call. And some of them never do. And that's all right too.
(quiet) Okay.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 06
GREG: Nadia. He's got the radio on. He's hearing this.
(a pause, a small breath) Oh.
LL-12 THE DAUGHTER
line 07
GREG: Say something to him.
(a long pause) ...Night, Dad.
BETHone episode · 6 lines
A woman whose Roomba has found another family. Sixties.
The voiceMatter-of-fact, dry, a smoker's rasp. She reports facts. The hurt is underneath, never on top.
The trapMaking it a bit. Play it as a real betrayal.
Audition lineIt went to the Hendersons'. It did their kitchen.
Every line for this part (6)
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line. Take your time.
(matter-of-fact, a smoker's voice) My Roomba leaves the house.
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 02
GREG: Tell me about that.
It goes out the dog door. Around nine. It's back by eleven.
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 03
GREG: Where do you think it goes?
I followed it once. It went to the Hendersons'. It did their kitchen.
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 04
GREG: How did that make you feel?
(a pause) Betrayed, Greg. I bought it.
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 05
GREG: Have you talked to the Hendersons?
They think it's theirs now. They named it.
LL-02 THE ROOMBA
line 06
GREG: What did they name it?
Beth.
LORRAINEone episode · 6 lines
A woman who married a beer in June. Fifties.
The voicePrim, earnest, church-committee proper, with a real tremble when she realizes he's gone.
The trapWinking. She believes every word.
Audition lineHe's cold, Greg. Emotionally. And also he's in the fridge.
Every line for this part (6)
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line. Take your time.
(prim, earnest) I married a beer, Greg.
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 02
GREG: When was this?
June. Small ceremony. His family didn't come.
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 03
GREG: How's it going?
He's cold, Greg. Emotionally. And also he's in the fridge. Is that normal?
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 04
GREG: Does he make you happy?
He did. For about twelve ounces.
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 05
GREG: (gently) Lorraine, is it possible he's gone?
(a pause) He's been quiet.
LL-06 THE MARRIAGE
line 06
GREG: Sometimes people leave, and the can is still there.
(a sniff) That's beautiful, Greg.
PATTYone episode · 6 lines
A woman with a binder listing thirty-four things her husband has promised to fix since 1998. Fifties.
The voiceWarm, deadpan, unhurried. She reads the list like a shopping list. The love in it is completely unadvertised.
The trapNagging. She is not complaining; she is genuinely impressed.
Audition lineThirty-four items. That's a career.
Every line for this part (6)
LL-10 THE LIST
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line. Take your time.
(warm, deadpan, unhurried) Greg, I have a list.
LL-10 THE LIST
line 02
GREG: Go ahead.
Things my husband has said he'll fix. Since 1998.
LL-10 THE LIST
line 03
GREG: How long is the list, Patty?
Thirty-four items. (a pause) The gate. The other gate. The step. The light in the step. The thing under the sink. The sink.
LL-10 THE LIST
line 04
GREG: Are you angry?
(genuinely surprised by the question) No. No, I'm impressed. Thirty-four, Greg. That's a career.
LL-10 THE LIST
line 05
GREG: Does he know about the list?
He made me the binder.
LL-10 THE LIST
line 06
GREG: (a pause) Patty, I think that's love.
(a pause) It's a nice binder.
SHAWNAone episode · 6 lines
Night shift at the plant. She has been at war with a break-room vending machine for two years and has just won. Thirties.
The voiceTired down to the bone and absolutely elated. Talks fast, then stops. The crying line should be thrown away, not played.
The trapPlaying the emotion. She's embarrassed by it.
Audition lineTwo years, Greg. Two years it's been eating my dollar.
Every line for this part (6)
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line.
(exhausted, triumphant, on a break) Greg. I beat it.
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 02
GREG: Beat what?
The machine. Break room. Second floor. Two years, Greg. Two years it's been eating my dollar.
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 03
GREG: What did you do?
I didn't do anything. That's the beautiful part. I just stood there. And it gave me two.
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 04
GREG: Two?
Two bags, Greg. It gave me the one I paid for and it gave me one back. (a pause) It apologized.
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 05
GREG: How did that feel?
(a long pause) I cried a little. It's four in the morning here and I cried at a vending machine.
LL-11 THE VENDING MACHINE
line 06
GREG: You've been up a long time.
Yeah.
THE LAST CALLERone episode · 3 lines · open to any voice
Could be anyone. Could be the guy playing the game. Never say.
The voiceQuiet, male, neutral, a little tired. No accent, no age. Four lines, all soft.
The trapGiving him a personality.
Audition lineGreg. Have you ever had a beer?
Every line for this part (3)
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 01
GREG: You're on Late Line.
(quiet; could be anyone) Greg. Have you ever had a beer?
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 02
GREG: (a pause) One. In 1994. It was a Tuesday.
How was it?
LL-13 THE LAST CALL
line 03
GREG: (a long pause; a sip of tea) It was fine. (a pause) It was just fine. That was the problem.
(a pause) Okay.
PHIL'S WIFEone episode · 2 lines
She checks on Phil.
The voiceFlat. Two words. Done.
The trapWarmth.
Audition lineIs Phil okay?
Every line for this part (2)
LL-05 THE TIME
line 01
GREG: (calmly, to the mic) That was Phil. Phil calls every night to ask the time. He has a clock. I've seen it. (a pause) I think he just likes to hear someone say it. (a sip of tea) Next caller.
(flat) Is Phil okay?